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Writer's Block: Heart to Heart

Valentine's Day: love it or hate it?
hate it if your alone..

to be a better one.

 so i dont know. it seems that when something is okay in my life, other people have to ruin it. 

wouldnt it be nice...

so lately, life hasnt been so great.
my friends seem to hate me and my ex is acting so.. ugh.
ive made a new friend though. and hes really cool.
hes the interesting kind of guy.
i hope to get to know him better but hey, im in no rush.
im more focusing on school right now.. and other friends that i want to get to know better.
i dunno.. i just wish people didnt do some of things that they do.
anywho.. just wanted to kind of update.
bye for now.

doesn't even know.

i bet that no one even reads these. i just like getting things out. so if anyone reads these and gets offended, then im sorry. but me and Him broke up. and i have no idea what im going to do.. i broke up with Him. but i feel that i was manipulated into doing so. i know that i had the final say in how things played out,, but i wish it was just different. i honest to god, with out a doubt, love Him. i was fucking stupid to let Him go. He's tought me so much about life and the imporatant things in it. i just felt...pressured. like not by Him but people around me. people were saying you can do so much better, you deserve better, break up with Him. i listen to people way to much. i really do and its a bad trait.. but i let them get the best of me and i just.. did it. at my friends freakin birthday party. god.. i hated myself. i cried myself to sleep and didnt talk to anyone. i didnt TELL anyone. i knew though, that a break might be good for us. that it might build our relationship somehow.. but when we stopped talking, i couldnt even bare. trust me, i knew He was hurt. god, did i know that. i just wish.. kinda.. that He would come talk to me. then when He didnt, i knew it was over. i hated myself for thinking He would come to me and we could talk and i felt like a moron because it was like duh kailah Hes not gonna come to you. Then He got a girlfriend. and i... i dont even know. i was happy that He was happy. which i knew was weird because im a jealous person and i wasnt. i was happy that He was more then i was jealous. all i cared about was how He was. then i started talking to this guy. he was kind of the one who talked me into breaking up with Him. he pointed out that bad part of me and His relationship and i went with it.. i didnt even talk to Him about it.. about what i was feeling. and now, life without Him isnt even worth it. my life revolved around Him. in a good way though. i mean we split up our time together with friends and it was really good. Hes so different. esentric even. which i envied most about Him. then i started going out with the guy i was talking with. but i knew it wasnt the same. i knew i wasnt over Him and that i shouldnt pretend i was. so i broke up with him.. i didnt want him all this complication. i broke up with Him on Novermer 16th.. and we didnt talk since. until He texted me about 3 weeks ago. all He said was "hello". it made my stomache drop. we talked, but it was the light, adverage conversation. not one 2 people would usually have when they dated for a year and a half.. but i knew He wasnt ready. or maybe i wasnt. then i went to my friend and tod her how i felt. and that i should try and talk to him. that it was just a suggestion. she didnt really think i would do it but i was desperate.. so i said [short version] please text me to talk. He did. i wasnt really sure if He would. so we talked. it was awkward and i cried. alot. i just didnt kow how to tell Him anything anymore. i ruined it already and i didnt really want to do it again. He said "fuck you." they cut me.. but i wasnt mad at Him. at all. i knew what He felt towards me now and maybe i could move on.. but i couldnt. the toher day i gave Him His stuff back.. and i was too nervous to stay and look at Him face to face. and i asked Him that if, He was happy, then why was He so mad at me? and i guess it was a stupid question because he said what do you think. i didnt know! i was trying so hard to talk to Him. to get something out of Him. for Him to hear me out. anything. but again. i got it. the fact He is still mad and doesnt forgive me. so right now. i have no idea what i am going to do. everyones like your the one that broke up with him. get over it. they're right.

but i just cant..

Oy Vey

dude.  so first day of school tomorrow. im okay for it i guess just the fact that summer is over kinda sucks.
chris and i got into a big fight.
and now were taking a break. but we talked last night for two and a half hours and i dunno.. i told him what i was feeling and he seems to understand me; which is a good thing. alright this was just a quick post. just wanted to keep you posted. 



so its about time me and my best friend hung out. its just hard because she has a new life basically. but we finally are gonna hang out. so tonight im staying at her house for the night then tomorrow were going to six flags! i lovelovelove six flags. so im really excited that i get to spend the day with her. and chris called me last night and we talked and it was really nice =] its always good to hear his vioce. well just a quick update. ill write more lata.  

Writer's Block: How I got on LJ

Who introduced you to LiveJournal? Why did you first open an account or get involved?

my boyfriend [he wasnt my boyfriend yet] had one and he ws like "oh my heavens kailah you need to get one!"  and i was like uhhhh ok? so i signed up for it because i like writing down things more then talking. no wait. thats not true. i LOVE talking there is just no one to listen to me =] but my computer has no choice =]

Writer's Block: Phobias

Do you have a remarkable phobia? Does your phobia have a large impact on your life?
 i dont know if its remarkable but i cant stand feet or clowns. like freakin terrified.

story of my freakin life.

im back in massachusetts. 
well actually i've been here for a month and im going home in like a week and a half.
yesterday was my birthday and my dad ruined my day. but at midnight i watched the lightning storm we had from my bedroom window and i talked to chris.. that made my day. i wish i was home..  but then again i don t want to be there.. i've gotten really close to jocelyn and corey and i love joannes family till the end of time but my father.. i just cant take his shit anymore. i dont even know how to vent to anyone.. cause i cant even explain how much he hurts me. and then im the one that looks like an ass because my dad just tells people that i am making rumors.. so no one really believes me.. so someone told him that i talked behind his back.. and he ignored me the whole day.. wouldnt answer or return my phone calls.. he left me a pretty horrible voice mail message on my phone.. i had enough so i called him back and he didnt answer and i left a message saying you know what if im such a burden in your life then dont ever talk to me again. just dont even call me. and of course he calls me anyways on my birthday. he called like 6 or 7 times. i didnt answer any of them. i just needed a little time to think. i thought he would understand that but hey i guess not. he left messages saying for me to be more mature and talk to him like the 15 year old girl he knows i am. i was liek screw you. i didnt even want to hear his voice. so now he expects me to be the mature one when the man is freakin 43 years old. he can ignore me for a whole day but i cant? yeah no. thats not gonna fly. and my friend put my charger in the wrong bag on excident so i dont ave my phone charger and i dont even think ill be aloud in his house again. so my mom is gonna call his girlfriend joanne who is on my side most of the time so im hoping she is this time because she and her family are too good for my dad... my dad yells at her daughter like shes his or something and he tells corey to get out of the house even though its not his house. and i cant tell joanne any of this because it gets back to my dad and he gets mad when i talk to other people about how i feel about him. he says i should go to him when i have a problem. no. there is no freakin way im going to talk to him about anything. he doesnt undertand. i talk to joanne because i enjoy talking to her and she understands me and doesnt judge me. the thing that probably made me the most mad was when he said that i am using corey as my east coast boyfriend as a joke. who the hell does he think he is. he has no right to even think that. i mean the man is calling me fake. the whole message is how i should stop being a princess bitch. [his words] and then he says that. well this message was to vent. cause he wont let me talk to anyone else and if i do im a bitch because i gossip. ugh i cant stand him. i will probably vent somemore later...

this is gonna be like a real journal entry

so im kinda upset. i know i shouldnt be and im like over reacting but ugh. it just feels like i dont have any friends. and if any of them read this im sorry for saying this. but i need to get it off my chest. one of my friends who is really close to me has changed alot. i liked her because she was different and she didnt conform to the world around her. but now shes just like everyone else so i dont really like hanging around her anymore. im growing apart from like 4 or 5 friends that were really close to me. another friend is just always doing something else. he seems to just put me off and think that i will always be there. and it just seems like none of them care that im leaving. but oh well.. thanks for listening.